Enjoyment of pain

Changes happen without warning and sometimes mess everything up. Nothing is like how we expect it to be anymore. I feel like I’m losing control. For many years I was very clear about “security.” I had a stable family life and a regular income. Change terrified me. I would rather endure situations in which I was unhappy than bring about change. I perceived supposed consistency as safer.

In the past, I tried to plan my life ahead as much as possible to avoid unplanned changes. I tried to control the fear of change.

One day my long-term relationship ended and I gave up my job as a manager. I gave up control - not only on a physical level but also on a mental level. The strength this took is hard to explain. For me, pain is also a challenge that I like to accept in order to get to know my own limits and test them anew. Life happens no matter where I try to control it or not.

All of my efforts to prevent change by trying to control life are unnecessary. Control is an illusion and I can’t control life. No matter how hard I try and how hard I hold on, life is filled with movement. My attempts to control only do one thing: they fuel my fear. 

I feel something is happening that I cannot control. However, if I let go of the illusion of being able to hold on and be in control, change is what it is. And change always becomes what I make of it. How easy is it for you to let life happen?